The Broken Heart is Blind
by htdcd
Summary: How many times can someone let his heart be broken before he realizes he is a fool? Just because you don't wear your heart on your sleeve doesn't mean it's any safer in your chest. :: This comes across as drabbles, but the chapters are tied together. HP/SS is implied, but is rated K for lack of any graphic language or suggestive text.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and subsequent characters and parts of the Potterverse are strictly property of JK Rowling and affiliates. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.

Summary: Insanity is continuing to do the same thing but expect a different result. Eventually, banging your head against a wall becomes too painful to continue.

A/N: This is HP/SS but not graphic. It is rated 'PG' and intended for anyone who is not offended by male-male affection/romance or relationships between partners with a wide age difference.

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**The Broken Heart is Blind**

_When I first saw Lily Evans, I fell desperately in love with her. I watched her for weeks before I tried to befriend her. I was unsurprised that her sister, at least, knew who I was. I only hoped Petunia's opinion of me wouldn't sour the chance I thought I had with Lily. Looking back now, I realize I was brimming with the idealism of youth: that if you only try hard enough, everything will work out in your favor. At the time, I felt unaccountably nervous, but I didn't know then what true nerves were. Much of my time from approximately age nine until age sixteen was spent courting Lily Evans's favour. Once I had ruined not only my delusion of romance, but also my friendship with her, I realized that even if I had been able to convince her to love me in return, I would have never been enough for her. As much as I loathed James Potter, he was much better suited to her than I ever could have been. I suppose, more than anything, it was this that caused me the most pain – the most jealousy: the fact that I simply wasn't good enough for her, but he was. Could I have fought harder for her? Of course. Would it have changed anything? Probably not. But in letting go of her, of letting her go to James, I did the right thing. She deserved so much more than a man like me, even if it robbed me of whatever fragile innocence was left in me, and broke my heart._


	2. Chapter 2

_As my friendship with Lily died a bitter death, another relationship was forming itself in my life. I had become close to Regulus Black, mostly through having a common enemy: his brother, Sirius. If anyone helped me gain even a modicum of vengeance on Sirius, it was Regulus. Once I had accepted that Lily and I weren't mean to be together, I began to see Regulus in a new light. It wasn't long before things took a different direction for us – one that surprised me at the time, but no longer does. During my last year at Hogwarts and the year following that (which was Regulus's last year there), we became partners. Even after I left the castle, I would often meet him for a meal or for tea during Hogsmeade weekends. Sometimes he would even convince me to go with him into the woods. He told me that one weekend he received detention for breaking curfew as a result of our tryst in the woods. To this day, I truly believe that had he lived, Regulus and I would have shared a long future together. Perhaps this was the reason that most devastated me when I heard of his death: I had finally found someone I loved, and who loved me in return, but he was forcibly taken from me. The even bigger travesty is I could not mourn him anywhere outside my heart, as my position in the Dark Lord's circle forbade me from showing affection for someone he declared was killed as a traitor. I often wondered if it is normal for one to have his heart broken so thoroughly even before the age of twenty. I realize now that it doesn't matter; it was my reality._


	3. Chapter 3

_Even though I had tried to save Lily from the fate the Dark Lord decreed for her, I was unsurprised when he recanted on his promise to spare her life. I had lost Regulus not even a year before hand, and Lily's death – and my hand in her demise – tore my soul in two, as if I had rendered the curse to her myself. I flung myself at the mercy of Albus Dumbledore, half-disappointed he did not end my life on the spot. Instead, he offered me protection at Hogwarts, in return for complete and total obedience to him (not that I brooked argument with this). The vast majority of the Dark Lord's followers were imprisoned, and I was left to become close to those who remained, namely, the Malfoys, as they still held gross power and influence in the Ministry and Wizarding world at large. I had known Lucius during my school days, but not well; he was several years ahead of me, so I only interacted with him at House functions. Narcissa, however, was my age, and I knew her much better, having partnered with her in classes often. It made sense to me when they asked me to Godfather their son, Draco. Albus sanctioned my acceptance, and so I agreed. Would, that I had done a better job molding the boy – but that is neither here nor there. I spent so much time with the Malfoys that, looking back, I was a fool for not seeing it build. Before I knew it, I found myself enthralled with Narcissa. I suppose it could have amounted to love, but we both knew it could never get that far. I tried to distance myself from her, but it was difficult since I was expected to be there for Draco. Once Draco entered Hogwarts, I had no reason to continue to visit the Manor, and so I stopped. It was selfish of me, but I found it difficult to stare in the face, day after day, something that I wanted but could not have. As my time with Narcissa lessened, so did her appeal to me. I do not know if my attraction to her was genuine, or simply a superficial desire, but it makes no difference. _


	4. Chapter 4

_I shall never know what would have happened if the Dark Lord had never returned, but he did, so it is moot. Once he had returned to power, I found myself spending time with Lucius as a product of our being in the Dark Lord's service. It didn't take him long to attach himself to me, as he could easily see how the Dark Lord held me in such high favor as a result of my being so close to Albus. I still cannot believe how easily I was taken in by him, so easily swayed by the lies spun from his lips and beauty of his face. But, some say a broken heart is blind, and mine unquestionably qualified as broken – long before I met him and certainly after he had finished with me. I did love him, briefly, in a way. What hurt most about my time with Lucius was not that he did not love me, but that he betrayed me in such an unforgiveable way. He did not look back when he had finished using me to increase his status in the eyes of the Dark Lord. To feel so disposable is truly painful. When he told me, his laugh pierced through me like shards of ice; of course he hadn't loved me. Who would ever love Severus Snape?_


	5. Chapter 5

_Certainly not Harry Potter. The first moment I laid eyes on the son of Lily and James, my heart was unsalvageable. Though he was only eleven, I felt drawn to him like a moth to the flame. It wasn't love – of course not, he was only a child. But I knew that if I was not careful, that I would grow attached to the boy. I could not afford that; I could not afford to care for Harry Potter. Albus was convinced the Dark Lord would return, and any hint that I cared for the one he so sought to destroy would have jeopardized my place. I know now that I swung too far in the other direction. On the pendulum, I could have hovered just left of center and accomplished my goal, but I went to the extreme to keep my feelings from betraying me. This only intensified as he grew older and then when the Dark Lord did, in fact, return to power. When I saw him, when his eyes would bore through me with such passion – hate, yes, but passionate hate – it fueled in me such turbulence that I would lash out with no other thought than to make him hate me as much as possible. I had to, for both our sakes._


	6. Chapter 6

_I am sure I was not meant to ever cross paths with Harry again after that night on the tower, but I made damn well sure that wasn't the case. Every chance I had, I would watch him. It was only a scant few times, but they were like air to me. When I placed the sword in the pond, I watched him as he dove in – foolish Gryffindor that he is. Everything about him was beautiful that night, his courage shining out of him like light beaming from his skin. I am ever thankful that is friend was there to save his life. I am not sure I would have been able to do so without causing irreparable damage. When I saw the image of him kissing the girl in the smoke from the locket, it made my blood boil and my skin crawl. His friend's clear jealousy at the sight was nothing compared to mine. It was not as painful as watching him cavort with the Weasley girl, however. That pained me to the core because I knew he loved her. It was then I knew my fate was sealed. My heart would break once again with the love I could never know._


	7. Chapter 7

_I know the Dark Lord intends to kill me. He is obsessed with the Elder Wand, the Wand of Destiny. He thinks I am the master since I was the one to kill Albus. Am I? It doesn't really matter; my death warrant is signed. I do not know how or when he will choose to carry out his plan. My only concern is that I will be unable to speak with Harry before I die. If I do get a chance to see him, to make amends, I am still at war with myself over what I should do about my heart. I know I can never have a future with him. Even if I wind up, through some miracle, surviving the Dark Lord's inevitable attack on my person, Harry will never love me in return. Does he deserve to know how I feel? The depths of my admiration at how gracefully has handled his destiny? His beauty as seen through my eyes? Can we ever reconcile the past that I have worked so hard to build between us? Even if I told him the truth, would he ever truly believe me? I would be hard pressed to even speak the words. I love him, though. I can admit it to myself. I love Harry Potter, the savior of the wizarding world. But I am resigned to let my heart break one final time. I will not take heroic measures. I will not look over my shoulder at every turn, trying to outwit the Dark Lord so that I may live on, only to suffer in my loneliness because once more, the one whom I love has found happiness with someone else. I am tired of trying to set fire to the rain. My failure is inevitable, and I am just so tired of realizing again and again that it is not my destiny to be loved by another. All I can hope for is that I survive long enough to pass on the message to Harry. Perhaps I will be able to look into his eyes one last time and imagine what life could have been like, were the stars not crossed against me._


	8. Chapter 8

"Harry?" Ginny turned, groggy with sleep. "Why are you still awake?"

"Sorry, love," Harry said, turning to blow out the candle at his bedside.

"What are you doing?" she asked, propping herself up on her elbows.

"Nothing," he smiled sadly, putting the journal into his nightstand drawer. "Just a bit of reading."

"You should get some sleep," she admonished. "The baby will be here soon."

"I know," he leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Our Albus Severus seems determined to make his appearance early."

Ginny giggled softly and took Harry's hand, wrapping it around her swollen abdomen as she turned away from him and snuggled into the bed.

"Love you," she said, kissing his hand.

"Love you," he replied into the dark, both to his wife, and to the man who penned the entries in the journal mere feet away, long gone, but not forgotten.


End file.
